PARUL BANSAL剃完光头的我 下

I was forced to examine all of me with a bald head.

我不得不光着头审视自己。

Do I look feminine? Am I Indian?

我看起来有女人味吗？我是印度人吗？

Am I even attractive? Do I fit in?

我到底有没有吸引力？我能适应吗？

'Cause I sure as hell feel like I stand out.

因为我真的像在地狱一样，感觉我很另类。

You know, it's as if I had this cup of who I was, and it was full to the brim of other people's ideas.

你知道，这就好像一个我自己的杯子，里面却充斥着别人的想法。

When I shaved my head, I went like this, and now, I have this empty cup.

当我剃光头的时候，就像这样我把所有的东西都倒掉，现在我有一个空杯子。

And I don't know what to do with it.

我不知道该怎么处理它。

I was drawn out of hiding by many role models.

许多榜样把我从躲藏的地方拉了出来。

I was inspired by the queer community who showed me that the spectrum of identity exists beyond conformity.

我受到了同性恋群体的启发，他们向我展示了超越一致性的身份。

I was inspired by black women who invited me into their safe spaces beyond a world that still polices their hair.

我受到黑人女性的启发，她们邀请我进入她们的安全空间，超越了那个监管头发的世界。

I was inspired by a mere workshop, which asked me to lock eyes with myself and acknowledge my own existence.

我的灵感仅仅来自一个研讨会，它让我凝视自己，承认自己的存在。

But it wasn't until November 21, 2018, that I truly saw myself for the very first time.

但直到2018年11月21日，我才真正看到了自己。

And in of all places, it was during six hours of video meetings where I couldn't help but notice her in that tiny little video chat box.

在所有的地方，正是在六个小时的视频会议期间，我忍不住注意到她在那个小小的视频聊天框里。

She looked gentle, yet fierce.

她看起来温文尔雅，但又很暴躁。

Oh my god, that bald chick, she is me. I am her.

天哪，那个光头小妞，她就是我。我就是她。

For the first time in my life, it felt like my insides and outsides were in alignment.

这是我有生以来第一次感觉到我的内在和外在是一致的。

I looked like how I feel, and I feel like me.

我看起来就像我感觉的那样，我感觉就像我自己。

And you know what? I fxxking love my shaved head. I mean, I look like the future.

你知道吗？我真喜欢我的光头。我是说，我看起来就像是未来。

I decided that every seemingly opposing version of myself could truly coexist, my Indian roots,my Canadian upbringing, my femininity, and my fierceness, my love for hip hop, and my vintage teacup collection.

我认为每一个看似对立的自我都可以真正共存，我有印度血统，我在加拿大成长，我的女性气质，我的狂热，我对嘻哈的热爱，还有我收藏的复古茶杯。

There is no box to fill, no cup to fill, and no should to hold us down.

没有盒子要装满，没有杯子要装满，也没有什么应该拖累我们。

I mean, I'm bald as fxxk, so why not be bold as fxxk?

我都是光头了，为什么不大胆一点呢？