50 Revised Rules for Women

These rules will hopefully help women understand men:

SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle, no one, ever, has been in worse shape.

Let us know how brave we are for dealing with that common cold or sprained ankle.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.

Overall, we can cook better than you, so if you make dinner, it better be good.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Hangovers are never our fault, and we deserve sympathy.

Led Zeppelin and the Who are good make-out bands. Tori Amos, Alanis Morrisette and Liz Phair are not.

The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years does not make the rest of us miserable pigs.

Even if we are miserable pigs, you'll have a tough time showing causality.

The Three Stooges are funny.

Butthead is the smart one.

Nobody actually reads Playboy, but you should humor us anyway.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

Briefs are a no-no, no matter what.

Hair jokes are not funny.

The genetic coding required to ask for directions is not contained in the Y chromosome. Therefore, you need not bother suggesting that we stop.

Love our mothers.

Love our sisters.

Really, really love our dogs.

Cats are not, in fact, approved pets for men.

We rank fish above cats.

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

A new suit costs $400 and we want it to look nice. We do care what you think.

A new tie costs less than $30. If we just spent $400 on a new suit, we sure as hell don't want some flashy tie that focuses attention away from the damn thing. Let us pick out our own ties.

Socks never constitute a gift.

Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.

We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens

You could pay for dinner every now and then.

Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.

Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

Curley is the bald one.

White wine is not necessarily better than a cold Geary's or a Fat Tire Amber.

Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mike Piazza, Teemu Selanne, Shaquille O'Neal, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Golf is a sport, and watching it on TV is a legitimate way to spend a weekend afternoon.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.

Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better (reference rule

No, you can't have the remote control.

We do love you. We don't love many people, and we don't like to say it very often. Too much of anything can diminish its value.

We can get the Sunday paper and read it, or we can cuddle, drink coffee and chat. We cannot do both, so make up your mind, in advance.

Wear our clothes out in public, in front of our friends and in front of yours. Just because we love you and want to show you off doesn't reduce your individuality.

If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.