健康：一个厌食症患者的自述

爱思英语编者按：现在我24岁，还在恢复的过程中。最近我有一次复发，起因是我要为了演一出对身体要求很高的戏而减肥。这是厌食症的后遗症——它在你的大脑上留下印记。当我决定晚餐吃什么或者决定去跑步时，它就发挥了作用。我所做的一切都和我的进食障碍有关。

I had always been a chubby boy, yet I was also a fussy eater. At meal times I would never finish what Mum cooked. By the age of 13, I had become self-conscious about the way I looked, and compared myself with others. I became besotted with a girl in my class - I wanted to look good for her -and I began to exercise obsessively. Then I started restricting foods that I deemed unhealthy. Initially, I looked great; I lost the chubbiness and was fit. And on my 14th birthday, I even got a kiss from the girl I longed for.更多信息请访问：http://www.engbus.cn/

However, anorexia was already taking hold. I remember thinking that if this is what happens when I lose a little weight, imagine what will happen when I lose more. I cut out whole meals till I was getting through the day on nothing but an apple. I enjoyed the feeling of hunger and was so preoccupied that I ceased to care about the girl. This was no longer about being attractive.

Anorexia wasn't as well documented as it is now, and it was associated only with teenage girls and models. However, months were passing and the weight was dropping fast. Dad was convinced I was on drugs and Mum would break down in tears, pleading with me to eat more. I became expert at deceiving her: potatoes in the plant pots, chocolate hidden down the back of the sofa, slices of toast in my desk drawer.

She'd weigh me daily and I'd make sure I stuffed my pockets to add a few extra pounds - I'd go back later to check my real weight. Because I was living a lie, I became a loner. I lost touch with my friends and at weekends I would wander the high street. I'd go into bookshops and engross myself in diet books - and cookbooks. All I could think about was food and reading recipes made up for my lack of eating.

The truth is I knew I was grotesquely thin, yet I would stand in front of the mirror and see a fat person staring back. I was trapped inside my own body - I wanted to get help, but my brain wouldn't let me. This physical and psychological battle is why anorexia is so deadly. I contemplated suicide numerous times. I once went into Boots and asked about sleeping tablets, and I nearly threw myself out of the car during a particularly impassioned row with Mum.

At 15, I weighed just over five stone. I had no toenails - they had dropped off from decay. My skin had turned yellow and my teeth had decayed from the acid in the fruit I was living on. One of the turning points for me was when Mum came into my room one morning to wake me up and said the room smelled of rot. I was literally wasting away in my bed. Even as an anorexic I knew this was bad, and I had to do something.

I was determined not to go into hospital for treatment. I never wanted to admit the extent of my illness, so I learned to get better by myself. I started to retrain my brain, telling myself that it was OK to eat, that putting on weight wouldn't make me fat. I slowly started to add extra food to my diet and it was incredible how quickly I regained weight, especially on my face. My body just clung on to anything I put inside me. It was a painful physical recovery. I hit 10 stone at the age of 21 and finally felt at ease with myself.

I often find it funny that I chose to become an actor, a profession in which your appearance is constantly being judged. It's hard not to compare yourself with other actors, and there's always pressure to change who you are to fit a certain mould. However, in a strange way, it has helped me. At my worst I used acting as a way to escape. I could be anybody on stage, and for that short time I wasn't anorexic.

I am 24 now, and still recovering. I recently suffered a relapse, triggered by losing weight while performing a very physically demanding play. This is the legacy of anorexia - it leaves an imprint on your brain. It's there when I decide what to have for dinner, and it's there when I decide to go for a run. Everything I do involves my eating disorder. However, I'm older and wiser, and can take action when I know things are going too far. I know where I've been, and I don't want to go back there. I have so many ambitions, and won't let the past stop me fulfilling them.