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茶花女-第19章

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IN the first three letters, my father expressed his concern for my silence and asked the reason for it. In the last, he made it clear that he had beeninformed of my changed way of life, and announced his arrival in the very near future.

I have always felt great respect and a genuine affection for my father. So I wrote back saying that the reason for my silence was that I had been away travelling for a while, and I asked him to let me know on which day he proposed to arrive so that I could be there to meet him.

I gave my servant my country address and left orders that he was to bring the first letter that came postmarked C. Then I set off again immediately for Bougival.

Marguerite was waiting for me at the garden gate.

Her look was anxious. She threw her arms around my neck and could not stop herself asking:

'Did you see Prudence?'

'No.'

'Why did you stay so long in Paris?'

'I found some letters from my father which I had to answer.'

A few moments after this, Nanine came in. She was out of breath. Marguerite stood up, went over and spoke to her softly.

When Nanine had gone, Marguerite sat down beside me once more and, taking my hand, said:

'Why did you deceive me? You went to Prudence's, didn't you?'

'Who told you?'

'Nanine.'

'And who told her?'

'She followed you.'

'So you told her to follow me?'

'Yes. I thought there must have been a very good reason to make you go up to Paris like that. You've not left my side for four months. I was afraid that something awful had happened or that perhaps you were going to see another woman.'

'Silly girl!'

'My mind's easy now. I know what you did, but I still don't know what you were told.'

I showed Marguerite my father's letters.

'That's not what I asked. What I'd like to know is why you called on Prudence.'

'To see her.'

'You're lying, my dear.'

'All right then. I went to ask her if the horse was better, and if she'd finished with your shawl and your jewels.'

Marguerite flushed, but said nothing.

'And, ' I continued, 'I found out to what use you'd put the horses, shawls and diamonds.'

'And you're angry with me?'

'I'm angry with you for not thinking of asking me for whatever you needed.'

'In affairs like ours, as long as the woman has something of her self- respect left, she must shoulder any number of sacrifices herself rather than ask her lover for money and in so doing taint her love with mercenary motives. You love me, I know you do, but you have no idea just how weak are the ties that bind the love men have for girls like me. Who knows? Perhaps one day, when you were short of money or feeling annoyed, you'd have come round to thinking that our affair was a carefully worked- out plot! Prudence talks too much. I didn't need those horses! I've saved myself money by selling them: I can manage without, and now I don't have to spend anything on them. As long as you love me, that's all I ask. And you can love me just as much without horses and shawls and diamonds.'

She said all this in so natural a tone of voice that there were tears in my eyes as I listened.

'But, my sweet Marguerite, ' I answered, lovingly pressing my mistress's hands in mine, 'you must have known that some day I'd find out about your sacrifice, and that the day I did find out, I'd never have allowed it.'

'And why not?'

'Because, dearest girl, I do not intend that the affection you truly feel for me should leave you the poorer by even a single piece of jewelry. Like you, I don't ever want you to think, when things are hard or you're feeling angry, that such bad times would never have happened if you'd lived with somebody else. Nor can I stand the thought that you should ever regret living with me, even for a moment. A few days from now, your horses, your diamonds and your shawls will be returned to you. You need them as much as life needs air. It may be ridiculous, but I'd rather have you lavish than frugal.'

'Which is to say you don't love me any more.'

'Don't be silly!'

'If you really loved me, you'd let me love you in my own way. But you persist in thinking of me as though I'm some girl who can't live without all this luxury, someone you still think you have to pay. You are ashamed to accept proof that I love you. In your heart, you're thinking of leaving me some day, and you're being very careful to put your scruples beyond suspicion. You're quite right, my dear, but I had expected better.'

And Marguerite stirred, as though she were about to get up. I held her back a moment, saying:

'I want you to be happy. I don't want there to be anything that you can reproach me for. That's all.'

'Even so, we shall go our separate ways!'

'Why, Marguerite? Who can separate us?' I exclaimed.

'You. You won't take me into your confidence by saying exactly where you stand, and you're vain enough to want to keep me in my place. You want to keep me in the luxury to which I was accustomed, but you also want to maintain the moral distance between us. You're the one. You don't consider that my feelings are sufficiently disinterested to want to share what money you have with me so that we could live happily together. No, you'd sooner ruin yourself. A slave to a stupid prejudice, that's what you are. Do you really think I compare a carriage and bits of jewelry with your love? Do you imagine I think happiness consists of those empty pleasures which people make do with when they've got nothing to love, but which seem so unimportant when they have? You'll pay my debts, you'll sign away all you have and you'll be my keeper! And how long will that last? Two or three months ?and then it'll be too late to start the life I'm offering you, for then you'd be kept by me, and that's something which no self- respecting man could accept. Whereas at the moment, you've got eight or ten thousand francs a year on which we can manage. I'll sell everything I don't need, and by investing the proceeds I'd have a steady two thousand a year. We'll rent a nice little apartment and live there together. In summer, we'll come down to the country, not to a house like this, but to something smaller, just big enough for two. You've no ties, I'm free, and we're young. For heaven's sake, Armand, don't make me go back to the life I had to lead once!'

I could not answer. My eyes brimmed over with tears of gratitude and love, and I threw myself into Marguerite's arms.

'I wanted, ' she went on, 'to arrange everything without telling you. I wanted to pay my debts and get my new apartment ready. In October, we would have reteurned to Paris and it would have been too late to say no. But since Prudence has told you everything, you'll have to agree before and not after. Do you love me enough to say yes?'

I could not hold out against such devotion. I kissed Marguerite's hands with great feeling and told her:

'I shall do whatever you want.'

And so what she had decided was agreed between us.

Then she became wildly exhilarated. She danced, she sang, she went into raptures about how homely her new apartment would be, and was already asking me in what part of Paris it should be and how it should be laid out.

I could see she was happy and very proud of this arrangement which seemed as though it would bring us together for good.

Which was why I had no wish to be any less keen than she was.

In a moment, I decided what course my life was to take. I worked out how I stood financially, and made over to Marguerite the income from my mother's estate, though it did not seem anything like an adequate return for the sacrifice which I was accepting.

There remained the allowance of five thousand francs which my father made me and, however things turned out, this annual allowance would always be enough to live on.

I did not tell Marguerite what I had decided, for I was quite convinced that she would refuse to accept my deed of gift.

The money in question derived from a mortgage of sixty thousand francs on a house which I had never even seen. All I knew was that each quarter, my father's solicitor, an old family friend, handed over seven hundred and fifty francs against my signature.

The day Marguerite and I came to Paris to look at apartments, I called at his office and asked him how I should set about transferring this income to another party.

The good man thought that I was ruined, and asked me questions about why I had decided to take such a step. Now, since I was going to have to tell him sooner or later in whose favour I was making the deed of gift, I decided to confess the truth there and then.

He did not raise any of the objections which his position as solicitor and friend entitled him to make, and he assured me that he would see that everything was arranged for the best.

Of course, I urged him to the greatest discretion with regard to my father, and left him to join Marguerite who was waiting for me at Julie Duprat's, where she had preferred to stay rather than go and be lectured by Prudence.

We started looking for apartments. Marguerite found all the ones we saw too expensive, and I thought them too ordinary. Even so, we did agree in the end, and, in one of the quietest parts of Paris, decided on a modest lodge which was situated at a good distance from the main house.

Behind this small lodge there was a delightful garden which was part of the property. It was enclosed by walls high enough to separate us from our neighbours, but not so high that they restricted the view.

It was better than we had hoped for.

While I went back to my apartment to arrange to vacate the premises, Marguerite went to see a dealer who, she said, had already done for one of her friends what she was now going to ask him to do for her.

She came for me in the rue de provence, quite delighted. The man had promised to pay all her debts, give her a receipt in full, and let her have around twenty thousand francs in exchange for relinquishing all her furniture.

You can see form the sum realized by the auction that this good man of business stood make upwards of thirty thousand francs out of his client.

We set off back to Bougival in high spirits. As we went, we continued telling each other about our plans for the future which, with the help of our thoughtlessness but especially our love, we saw in the rosiest of lights.

A week later, we were having lunch when Nanine came in and told me that my servant was asking for me.

I told her to show him in.

'Sir, ' he said, 'your father has arrived in Paris, and asks you to return to your apartment at once. He's waiting for you there.'

The news was the simplest thing imaginable, and yet, as we took it in, Marguerite and I exchanged looks.

We scented trouble in this turn of events.

Which was why, though she did not intimate to me anything of her reaction which I shared, I responded by holding out my hand to her:

'There's nothing to be afraid of.'

'Come back as soon as you can, ' murmured Marguerite as she kissed me. 'I'll be waiting by the window.'

I sent Joseph on ahead to let my father know I was on my way.

And two hours later, I was in my apartment in the rue de Provence.
在前三封信里，父亲因我没有去信而担忧，他问我是什么原因。在最后一封信里，他暗示已经有人告诉他我生活上的变化，并通知我说不久他就要到巴黎来。

我素来很尊敬我的父亲，并对他怀有一种很真挚的感情。

因此我就回信给他说我所以不回信是因为作了一次短途旅行，并请他预先告诉我他到达的日期，以便我去接他。

我把我乡下的地址告诉了我的仆人，并嘱咐他一接到有C城邮戳的来信就送给我，随后我马上又回到布吉瓦尔。

玛格丽特在花园门口等我。

她的眼神显得很忧愁。她一把搂住我，情不自禁地问我：

“你遇到普律当丝了吗？”

“没有。”

“你怎么在巴黎呆了这么久？”

“我收到了父亲的几封信，我必须写回信给他。”

不一会儿，纳尼娜气喘吁吁地进来了。玛格丽特站起身来，走过去和她低声说了几句。

纳尼娜一出去，玛格丽特重新坐到我身旁，握住我的手对我说：

“你为什么骗我？你到普律当丝家里去过了。”

“谁对你说的？”

“纳尼娜。”

“她怎么知道的？”

“她刚才跟着你去的。”

“是你叫她跟着我的吗？”

“是的。你已经有四个月没有离开我了，我想你到巴黎去一定有什么重要原因。我怕你发生了什么不幸，或是会不会去看别的女人。”

“孩子气！”

“现在我放心了，我知道你刚才做了些什么，但是我还不知道别人对你说了些什么。”

我把父亲的来信给玛格丽特看。

“我问你的不是这个，我想知道的是你为什么要到普律当丝家里去。”

“去看看她。”

“你撒谎，我的朋友。”

“那么我是去问她你的马好了没有，你的披肩，你的首饰她还用不用。”

玛格丽特的脸刷地红了起来，但是她没有回答。

“因此，”我继续说，“我也就知道了你把你的马匹、披肩和钻石派了什么用场。”

“那么你怪我了吗？”

“我怪你怎么没有想到向我要你需要的东西。”

“像我们这样的关系，如果做女人的还有一点点自尊心的话，她就应该忍受所有可能的牺牲，也决不向她的情人要钱，否则她的爱情就跟卖淫无异。你爱我，这我完全相信。但是你不知道那种爱我这样女人的爱情有多么脆弱。谁能料到呢？也许在某一个困难或者烦恼的日子里，你会把我们的爱情想象成一件精心策划的买卖。普律当丝喜欢多嘴。这些马我还有什么用？把它们卖了还可以省些开销，没有马我日子一样过，还可以省去一些饲养费，我唯一的要求就是你始终不渝的爱情。即使我没有马，没有披肩，没有钻石，你也一定会同样爱我的。”

这些话讲得泰然自若，我听得眼泪都快流出来了。

“但是，我的好玛格丽特，”我深情地紧握着我情妇的手回答说，“你很清楚，你这种牺牲，我总有一天会知道的，那时我怎么受得了。”

“为什么受不了呢？”

“因为，亲爱的孩子，我不愿意你因为爱我而牺牲你的首饰，哪怕牺牲一件也不行。我同样也不愿意在你感到为难或者厌烦的时候会想到，如果你跟别人同居的话，就不会发生这种情况了。我不愿意你因为跟了我而感到有一分钟的遗憾。几天以后，你的马匹、你的钻石和你的披肩都会归还给你，这些东西对你来说就像空气对生命一样是必不可少的。这也许是很可笑的，但是你生活得奢华比生活得朴素更使我心爱。”

“那么说，你不再爱我了。”

“你疯了！”

“如果你爱我的话，你就让我用我的方式来爱你，不然的话，你就只能继续把我看成一个奢侈成性的姑娘，而老觉得不得不给我钱。你羞于接受我对你爱情的表白。你总是不由自主地想到总有一天要离开我，因此你小心翼翼，唯恐被人疑心，你是对的，我的朋友，但是我原来的希望还不仅于此。”

玛格丽特动了一下，想站起来，我拉住她对她说：

“我希望你幸福，希望你没有什么可以埋怨我的，就这些。”

“那么我们就要分手了！”

“为什么，玛格丽特？谁能把我们分开？”我大声说道。

“你，你不愿让我知道你的景况，你要我保留我的虚荣心来满足你的虚荣心，你想保持我过去的奢侈生活，你想保持我们思想上的差距；你，总之，你不相信我对你的无私的爱情，不相信我愿意和你同甘共苦，有了你这笔财产我们本来可以一起生活得很幸福，但是你宁愿把自己弄得倾家荡产，你这种成见真是太根深蒂固了。你以为我会把你的爱情和车子、首饰相比吗？你以为我会把虚荣当作幸福吗？一个人心中没有爱情的时候可以满足于虚荣，但一旦有了爱情，虚荣就变得庸俗不堪了。你要代我偿清债务，把自己的钱花完，最后你来供养我！就算这样又能维持多长时间呢？两三个月？那时候再依我的办法去生活就太迟了，因为到那时你什么都得听我的，而一个正人君子是不屑于这样干的。现在你每年有八千到一万法郎的年金，有了这些钱我们就能过日子了。我卖掉我多余的东西，每年就会有两千利弗尔的收入。我们去租一套漂漂亮亮的小公寓，两个人住在里面。夏天我们到乡下玩玩，不要住像现在这样的房子，有一间够两个人住的小房间就行了。你无牵无挂，我自由自在，我们年纪还轻，看在上天的份上，阿尔芒，别让我再去过我从前那种迫不得已的生活吧。”

我无法回答，感激和深情的泪水糊住了我的眼睛，我扑在玛格丽特的怀抱之中。

“我原来想，”她接着说，“瞒着你把一切都安排好，把我的债还清，叫人把我的新居布置好。到十月份，我们回到巴黎的时候，一切都已就绪；不过既然普律当丝全都告诉你了，那你就得事前同意而不是事后承认……你能爱我到这般地步吗？”

对如此真挚的爱情是不可能拒绝的，我狂热地吻着玛格丽特的手对她说：

“我一切都听你的。”

她所决定的计划就这样讲定了。

于是她快乐得像发了疯似的，她跳啊、唱啊，为她简朴的新居而庆祝，她已经和我商量在哪个街区寻找房子，里面又如何布置等等。

我看她对这个主意既高兴又骄傲，似乎这样一来我们就可以永不分离似的。

我也不愿意白受她的恩情。

转眼之间我就决定了今后的生活，我把我的财产作了安排，把我从母亲那里得来的年金赠给玛格丽特，为了报答我所接受的牺牲，这笔年金在我看来是远远不够的。

我自己留下了我父亲给我的每年五千法郎津贴，不管发生什么事情，靠它来过日子也足够了。

我瞒着玛格丽特作了这样的安排。因为我深信她一定会拒绝这笔赠与的。

这笔年金来自一座价值六万法郎的房子的抵押费。这座房子我从来也没有看见过。我所知道的只不过是每一季度，我父亲的公证人——我家的一位世交——都要凭我一张收据交给我七百五十法郎。