双语：提出建议和接受建议，你哪方面更在行？

爱思英语编者按：关于建议的头号法则：带着一种健康的怀疑精神去听。没人能完全站在你的立场上（即使父母、配偶也不例外）。也没人能免于偏见。我们都喜欢用自己的脑子得出结论，并普遍相信自己是正确的……

提出建议和接受建议，您哪方面更在行？
Are You Better at Giving Advice Than Taking It?

Advice is a funny thing.

Some people seem to have a constant surplus of it, and offer it non-stop to those around them, even when it is unsolicited or unwelcome.

Others are on the receiving end of lots of advice from others, but they rarely take any of it.

A very common example of “askhole” behavior occurs in the teenage years. Teenagers’ parents can become constant broadcasters of advice, and the younger folks develop ever more sophisticated skills for appearing to listen (or perhaps not even bothering with this pretense) while actually turning down the volume of the incoming messages to nearly zero. In most cases, teenagers are rarely soliciting advice from their parents. It just flows, like a river in flood.

I’ve heard experienced parents whose children are now fully grown, say that even when teenagers seem to be in a tunnel which parental communication signals seem unable to penetrate, parents should still keep on offering their unsolicited wisdom, perspectives, and advice. The theory goes, that even in the absence of acknowledgement, let alone agreement, a certain degree of the message still seeps through in the long run.

On the other hand, like all advice, this depends on the tone and mode of delivery. There is a fine line between advice, for example, and nagging. Some people tend to take good advice and deliver it in such a way that it sounds like, and is heard as, nagging. Advice transformed into nagging is usually excessively repetitive, critical rather than constructive in tone, sometimes condescending, and usually a one-way street (ie lacking an invitation for feedback or response such as “What do you think?”).

The teenager-parent context is a somewhat special one, but giving and receiving advice pervades our professional and personal lives. If you think about your friends and associates, they probably include people who either give too much advice, including on subjects where their expertise is doubtful, or offer advice in an unhelpful tone –e.g. bossy or condescending. You’ll probably also find friends and associates who ignored some very good advice and got themselves into a pickle as a result.

It is not instinctive for us to ask for advice. There are face issues involved, and potential embarrassment, especially in the workplace. On the other hand, we deny ourselves a lot of learning opportunities by remaining like ostriches with our head in the sand, and being afraid to ask advice from those with richer experience that we have.

My motto is “The only dumb questions are the ones you’re afraid to ask.” I was fortunate at an early stage in my career to have frequent access to quite a few experienced old hands in my field, many of whom were 25 to 30 years my senior. I asked a lot of questions of them, and by and large, they were delighted to share their experience. I learned a lot from these mentors.

Young people often don’t realize that one of the dividends older people value most is having young people ask for their advice. Instead they hold back from asking, preoccupied by thoughts about how so-and-so is so busy, so well known, so highly respected, on such a higher status plane than me, etc. Sometimes we forget, they are just people, and they were our age once.

Having said that, I of course also recognize that some corporate leaders project an imperial image which intimidates and warns against junior people coming close or asking for advice. If that’s the case, look elsewhere for your advice.

As the quote above suggests, we should usually take advice with a grain of salt, and filter it to our own specific circumstances. There are plenty of times when the advice we receive is just plain wrong for us at that point in time, and should be ignored. Part of growing up is developing the judgment, critical thinking skills, and the courage to make these determinations.

I can think of a number of times when friends and associates cautioned me against a certain business or investment move. Despite that, I trusted my instincts and went ahead, and it turned out to be the right move after all.

Asking for advice in a hyper-competitive work environment, where trust is in short supply has its risks, to be sure. Someone you thought could be trusted might turn out to be otherwise, and use your request for advice against you in some way. Learning how and when to take that risk is part of self-development. If you don’t try, you won’t learn.

If you develop a trusting relationship with a colleague or associate, the giving and receiving of advice builds a stronger bond and helps both parties grow.

When giving or receiving advice, the magic word is R-E-S-P-E-C-T. On both sides of this two-way street, conducting yourself in a consciously respectful manner will open doors time and again, in a rewarding and fulfilling way.

The moral of the story is that for personal and professional fulfillment, we all need to strive to be effective givers and takers of advice.

建议是个有趣的东西。

有些人似乎永远建议多多，总爱不停地给身边人提出忠告，哪怕人家并没有要求也并不欢迎。

还有的人爱从别人那儿网罗各种建议，却甚少采纳。

典型的“askhole”行为多发于青少年时期。青少年的父母开始启动“碎碎念”模式，而孩子们假装聆听却自动静音的本领也愈发炉火纯青（有时甚至连装都懒得装一下）。大多情况下，青少年很少征求父母的建议。这种情况就如滔滔江水，一发不可收拾。

听儿女已经长大成人的“过来人”说，即使青少年“藏身”于父母之命无法渗透的“隧道”，父母仍应坚持主动分享自己的智慧、看法和建议。他们的理论是，即使不被认可，更不消说被赞同，但长此以往，这些信息在某种程度上还是可以形成潜移默化的影响。

另一方面，和所有建议一样，这还要取决于表达的口吻和方式，就好像建议和唠叨之间只有一线之差。有些人接受好的建议后，却会用听上去像、实际上也是唠叨的方式表达出来。建议变成了唠叨，通常是因为重复次数过多，口气上指责多过建设性意见，有时甚至有纡尊降贵之感，且总是单向的（不给对方反馈的机会，例如问一句“你觉得呢？”）。

虽然青少年父母的情况比较特殊，但提出和接受建议贯穿了我们职业和个人生活的始终。想想你的朋友和同事，其中有人可能对自己并不专业的问题都敢建议多多，也有人爱用发号施令、趾高气昂的腔调提出于事无补的建议，还有人因忽略了金玉良言而让自己陷入困顿。

征求意见并非我们的本能。这里面掺杂了“面子”问题和潜在的尴尬，特别是在职场。另一方面，我们排斥掉很多学习的机会，像鸵鸟一样把头埋在沙里，害怕向经验比自己丰富的人请教。

“真正愚蠢的问题是没敢问出的问题”一直是我的座右铭。我很幸运，在刚参加工作时就接触到很多业内资深人士，他们大都比我年长25到30岁。我向他们请教过很多问题，总体上他们也都乐于和我分享自己的经验。从这些导师身上我学到了很多。

年轻人往往不知道，年长者最有价值的红利之一就是让年轻人征求他们的意见。虽然知道他们并不会阻止年轻人提问，但我们总是先入为主地认为某某人太忙、太有名、太德高望重、地位比自己高太多。但有时我们却忘了，他们也是人，也曾经和我们年龄相仿。

话虽如此，但我也承认有些企业领导为塑造威严的形象，恐吓和警告年轻人不要靠近和发问。如果是这样的话，你就去别处求教好了。

如开篇引语所言，接受建议时我们应该有所保留，根据自身的实际情况加以过滤。很多时候我们得到的建议在那个时间点可能是完全错误的，应该忽略。形成判断能力、掌握批判性思考的技能、树立下定决心的勇气都是成长的一部分。

我记得有很多次，朋友和同事提醒我在某些业务和投资行动上要谨慎。但我还是相信了自己的直觉，执意推进，最后证明行动是正确的。

在竞争激烈、信任匮乏的职场寻求建议肯定要冒一定风险。有些你以为可以信任的朋友，结果却可能以某种方式利用你的提问来反对你。学会在什么时候、如何来冒险是自我成长的一部分。如果不试试，就不可能学会。

如果你和同事建立起彼此信任的关系， 提出和接受建议可以增强你们的联系，并有助于双方的成长。

在提出和接受建议时，咒语就是一个词——“尊重”。在这条双行道的两侧，有意识地保持尊重的态度会为你一次次打开回报和满意之门。

从这篇文章中可以看出：要实现个人和事业的圆满，我们都需要努力成为有效的建议提供者和接受者。