Joke: Lawyer One Liners
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Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? A: Retired. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement. Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A: A fucking know-it-all. Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his @$%. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours. Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers? A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? A: That might be your bicycle. Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his. Answer #3: How many can you afford? Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant. Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture? A: Just say "Fees!" Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball? A: Because they stoop so low. Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other. Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A: Senator. Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: "Your honor." Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer. Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule? A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep? A: Because deep down, they are really good guys. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: A shortage of sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Answer #1: Take your foot off his head. Answer #2: No? Good! |
