你会干涉好友的恋情吗？

爱思英语编者按：许多人都有过这样的经历：好友恋上个讨厌的家伙。看到朋友受委屈，替TA打抱不平。但是这样做会不会伤及友情呢？吐槽好友另一半也是大有学问的！

Should a true friend always tell the truth?
你会干涉好友的恋情吗？

Many of us have been there: Your best friend is in a relationship with someone really unpleasant. Watching how your friend is being treated badly is heartbreaking. You want to tell your friend that their boyfriend or girlfriend is a jerk and the relationship a mistake. But this could easily hurt your friendship. Should you hold your tongue, or speak up?
许多人都有过这样的经历：挚友恋上个不靠谱的人。看到朋友受委屈令你心碎。你想要向好友吐槽他们的另一半是个蠢货或他们的恋情是个错误。但这很容易就伤害友情。你到底应该闭口不提还是应该仗义执言？

The New York Times recently called in a group of relationship experts to discuss this conundrum. They all agreed that honesty is expected from a true friend. What is important is not whether you should speak up, but how you speak up.
前不久，《纽约时报》召集一组情感专家就这一难题展开讨论。他们都同意好朋友应该坦诚相见。重点并非要不要说，而是如何说。

Before you do unpleasant anything, make a careful assessment of the situation. Is the relationship casual or serious? Is the situation abusive or merely annoying? You need also to be clear of your own motives in speaking to your friend. Is it only because you don’t like their boyfriend or girlfriend? Are you jealous because your friend doesn’t spend time with you anymore?
在你做出令人扫兴的举动之前，要仔细衡量一下现状。这两人是在认真交往还是只是玩玩而已？好友是遭遇虐待还是只是心里不快？同时你还要弄清自己仗义执言的动机。仅仅只是因为你不喜欢好友的另一半吗？还是你因为朋友不再抽空陪你而心生嫉妒？

If you’re still sure your friend’s relationship is wrong after considering these questions, how you voice your concerns may be the difference between a broken and a deepened friendship, says Juli Slattery, founder of Authentic Intimacy, a US-based non-profit organization helping people up and develop healthy relationships.
“真实的亲密”是美国一家致力于帮助人们创建良好人际关系的非盈利组织，该组织创始人朱立·斯莱特利说：如果在考虑过这些问题后，你仍然确信朋友的恋情是个错误，那么你吐露关心的方式将决定友情是破裂还是更坚实。

There is a very fine line between saying you’re concerned and telling your friend they’ve made a bad decision, Slattery says. She advices on having one intentional conversation about your concerns instead of constantly making remarks. Once you’ve voiced your concerns, do your best to encourage your friend even if they choose not to take your advice. Remember, no one likes to hear “I told you so.”
斯莱特利表示，吐露关心与直言朋友做错决定之间存在一条界线。她建议，与其直截了当下结论，不如刻意找话题谈来表示关切。一旦你说出自己的担忧，即使朋友并不采纳你的意见，也要尽全力鼓励他们。记住，没有人喜欢听“我早就告诉过你了”这句话。

Although honesty is much appreciated in a friendship, brutality isn’t, says writer and reporter Keli Goff. Her advice is: When you confront your friend, avoid giving him or her the “brutal truth” but instead try to soften your delivery.
记者兼作家凯利·高夫说指出，尽管朋友间看重坦诚，但简单粗暴的方式显然也不合适。她的建议是：面对朋友时，不要告诉他们“残酷的现实”，尽量选用柔和婉转的方式。

Goff calls this the “iron fist, velvet glove” approach. Sometimes you need to let your friend decide if they want to hear the truth. For example, you could say this to a friend who has a cheating boyfriend:
高夫将这种方式称为“外柔内刚的铁拳”。有时候你需要让朋友来决定他们是否要听实话。例如，要是朋友的男友劈腿，你要先问她是否想听实话。

“Someone I know has a problem and I don’t know what to tell her. She found out her friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her but she doesn’t know if she should tell her friend or stay out of it. She asked me what she should do but I’m not sure what to advise her. What do you think? Would you want someone to tell you the truth in a similar situation?”
“我认识一个人就遇到了这个问题，我不知道怎么去和她说。她发现好友的男朋友劈腿，她不确定要告诉朋友还是选择袖手旁观。她问我该怎么办，但我也不知道该给她什么建议。你认为呢？如果你也置身相同处境，你希望别人告诉你事实吗？”

That way, Goff says, your friend gets to determine whether or not he or she ends up on the receiving end of your “brutal truth”.
高夫说，通过这种方式，作为“残酷事实”的接受者，你的朋友要决定是否结束一段感情。

And if that fails, you can always send an anonymous e-mail.
如果这行不通的话，发匿名邮件倒是一种屡试不爽的办法。