一篇外籍专家对TWE文章的评改报告
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The following TOEFL essay was written by a non-native English speaker. Note the way the essay was analyzed for content, organization and grammar. TOEFL Essay Question-------------题目 Supporters of technology say that it solves problems and makes life better. Opponents argue that technology creates new problems that may threaten or da mage the quality of life. Using one or two examples, discuss these two posit ions. Which view of technology do you support? Why? Student’s unedited answer------学生例文 Technology is improved especially in developed countries. Our lives is conne cted to technology. Technology is used in everyday life. People use it in d ifferent ways. It can make our lives better, but it can be cruel if it’s us ed for bad purposes. First, technology makes our lives better because it serves us well and helps us save time. As we can see one of well-known inventions is internet. For e xample, in the developed countries, Internet are used in everyday life. It’ s used in schools and businesses because it provides a lot of information ab out anything all over the world. On the other hand, technology can be very dangerous for us. Because of its a bility of finding information, our personal information can no longer be sec ret. For instance, computer is used to keep most of the information. In othe r cases, hackers can search to our secret file and steal the information via computer. Another example is that some companies can search and find infor mation about us just by our credit card receipts or checks. That could make our lives worse than before. In short, technology gives us many advantages. ----------------------------------专家的修改 Analysis of student’s answer Content A. Understanding the question You must discuss both sides of the issue and then tell which side you suppor t. In your answer, you did discuss both sides, but you did not tell which v iew of technology you supported. B. Restating the question Your first paragraph is a good attempt to restate the question but it does n ot include all the information from the original question. Here is an examp le of a restatement of the question: Some people feel that technology enhances our lives and others feel technolo gy is damaging to our lives. We are connected to technology. Computers, te levision, and cars are all the result of technology. It can make our lives better, however, it can be bad if it’s used for negative purposes. C. Body paragraphs and final paragraph Be sure each paragraph in the body of your essay begins with a main idea (or topic sentence) and is followed by support and examples. The last sentence of each paragraph should be a concluding sentence. You have good ideas, but you should include more examples in the body of the essay. In body paragraph #1, provide more information about how technology helps us save time and add a concluding sentence. Here is an example of wh at you could include: For example, students can use the internet to research information for term papers. They can also access information about colleges and universities, b ook reviews, news and weather, famous people...the list is endless. Busines ses also benefit from the internet. They can reach a global audience with t heir products and services. In addition, they can go online and examine the ir competitors’ products, services and prices. The benefits of technology a re numerous. Body paragraph #2 needs a clearer concluding sentence. For example: Using technology for this type of negative purpose causes us lots of problem s and makes our lives difficult. Your final paragraph should summarize your main ideas and include your view of technology. You have not done that. Here is an example of a possible fi nal paragraph: In short, there are both positive and negative aspects to technology. I sup port the continued development of technology because the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. I feel that technology is needed to help us move forwar d. Without it, our lives will remain stagnant. Organization Good overall essay organization. Good use of transitions such as first, on the other hand, in short. Organization within paragraphs is good. You begi n with the main idea and then give support. Remember to include a concludin g sentence for each paragraph. Grammar Your grammar is not bad. You should focus on improving your subject-verb ag reement and word choice. Below are examples of these two grammatical proble ms taken from your essay. Subject-Verb Agreement Paragraph 1: our lives is (should be) our lives are Paragraph 2: internet are used (should be) internet is used Paragraph 3: computer is used (should be) computers are used |
