汇丰银行商务写作教程（17）

为什么商业信件一定要写得清楚明了？怎样才能将商业信件写得清楚明了？看似简单的问题，却不是每个人都能做好。今天我们就来学习一下怎样将商业信件写得清楚明了。

Being Clear: Why Do It 

Look at the first sentence from the letter again.

I refer to your recent communication.

Why is this sentence unclear?

Which recent communication is the writer referring to?

Does the writer mean the communication received yesterday, last week or last month?

And what type of communication is the writer referring to?

Does the writer mean a telephone conversation, a letter or an e-mail?

The writer used vague terms, that is, very general words. Therefore, the sentences are not very clear. The writer should mention the date of the communication as well as the type of communication.

Look at the second sentence from the letter... and try to decide why it isn't clear.

For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application were sent to you at an earlier date.

Again, the writer is vague, isn't he? "An earlier date" could be last week, last month or even last year.

However, there is another problem.

Did you also notice that the writer used jargon? He wrote about PPS.

HSBC staff may understand that the writer was referring to HSBC's Phone Payment Service.

But what about the readers... the customers? Do they know what PPS means?

To the readers or customers, PPS is jargon.

Being Clear: How To Do It 

Whenever you write to a colleague or customer, your reader should not have to guess what you mean.

So, you need to make all of your sentences very clear. How can you do this?

To write clear sentences

l        use specific terms, not vague terms, eg exact date, type of communication etc

l        avoid jargon, ie abbreviations or special words that the reader may not understand.

The first strategy, then, is...

BE SPECIFIC 

The sentence below is not clear. The writer has used vague terms.

"Please contact me as soon as possible."

How would you revise the sentence to make it clear?

Suggested answer:

"Please telephone me on 2398 4150 by Friday."

You can also be specific by being direct. This means that you write what you would say if you were speaking with the person face-to-face.

The sentence below is unclear. The writer is being very indirect. Some writers think that they need to use two "languages": one for writing and another one for speaking.

"It is with regret that I advise you that circumstances prevented me from completing this project within the agreed time."

How would you revise this sentence to make it clear? (Hint: think of what you would say if you were speaking with the person face-to-face.)

Suggested answer:

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't complete the project on time."

What else can you do to write clear sentences?

You can avoid using jargon, right? This is the second strategy.

AVOID JARGON 

Look at the sentence below. The writer has used jargon.

"May I suggest that you apply for a POD?"

How would you revise this sentence to make it clear?

Suggested sentence:

"May I suggest that you apply for a Personal Overdraft?"

The exercise below will help you practise revising sentences to make them clear.

All of the sentences below are unclear. Rewrite the sentences to make them clear.

1) I suggest that you apply for a PIL.

I suggest that you apply for a Personal Instalment Loan. 

2) The managers will discuss your proposal in due course.

The managers will discuss your proposal on Friday. 

3) Please remit the relevant amount as soon as possible.

Please send your cheque for US$40 by 21 June 200X. 

4) You can deposit cheques at designated ATMs.

You can deposit cheques at designated Automatic Teller Machines. 

5) One of our CSOs will contact you later.

One of our Customer Service Officers will contact you within 24 hours. 

You should now know how to revise sentences to make them clear.

Try to revise the unclear sentences in Clever Man's letter.

22 April 200X

Ms Fiona Green

100 Clearwater Bay Road

Sai Kung NT

Dear Ms Green

PPS

I refer to your recent communication.

For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date.

If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Yours sincerely

Clever Man

Clever Man

Manager

Smart Branch

Suggested sentences: 

I refer to your telephone enquiry yesterday.

For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April.

By using specific terms and avoiding jargon, the first two paragraphs are now clearer.

But...

Something is still wrong with the second sentence. Do you know what it is?

Look at the sentence again. Try to read the whole sentence aloud without stopping to take a breath.

 "For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April." 

Did you have to stop in the middle of the sentence to take a breath?

For most people, the sentence is just too long to read aloud in one breath.

If you write a long sentence, you create a problem for your readers. They may need to read the sentence several times in order to understand it.

So, your sentences must not only beclear, they also must beconcise.

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